Thanks to Aarene's insightful comment on my last post, I have a more coherent idea why I'm so confused and frustrate by the school experience.
I let the fact that because I was pigeon holed into a specific category (istj) thus i was the same as everyone around me and thus i belonged.
However, then as time progressed I wasn't as "good" as those around me (which in vet school is what grades you are getting), and I was really confused.
On one hand I had people like you guys, vets out in rural practice, food safety vets, etc telling me how good a vet I was going to be, but on the other hand, by every other measurement I had available, I was going to be a failure.
I'm at the bottom of my class. I don't want to work in the hospital, I don't want the job to consume my life. I don't care about the nitpicky details that I can look up later, I'm much more focused on the overall picture and the larger patterns that characterize medicine.
I realize that I'm in a very small, limited view of the vetmed world, but it's hard to keep this in mind when you are around it every day for hours and hours and hours. I have to endure conversation about how good grades defines how good a vet I will be once I am out of school, something to which I say, when my opinion is asked "show me the research that says that clients are more satisfied with an vet who was an A student versus a C one." "show me the research where performance in vet school is correlated with a successful veterinary career, as defined by the veterinarian themselves"., but it seems like I am one voice among a crowd of grade conscious, ambitious people.
According to academia I'm a dead end because I won't have the grades necessary for internships, residencies, scholarships, or anything else that seems so highly valued by everyone around me.
This is what I realize today:
My mistake was letting that istj pigeon hole define me against my peers and not realize that there are many flavors and being an istj is like having blonde hair. It may be a commonality, but that doesn't mean that I have blue eyes!
Realizing that I was a wood (independent, grouchy, pioneer type) and not a metal (anal retentive, detail oriented, etc.) like most of my classmates was the first step in realizing that I had made a mistake in letting myself be defined by just one measurement and like anything else, if you can out ANYTHING into a box, then you are probably over simplifying it - it's a good place to start, but that's about it.
Going to the processing plant yesterday and realizing that I haven't felt GOOD/SUCCESSFUL at ANYTHING since quitting my job a year and half ago was a revelation (completing the ride and tie is probably the exception). I can't support myself, I can't get good grades, I cant qualify for scholarships, i can't take lessons, I can't do endurance, I can't be everything my boyfriend wants me to be, I can't keep up with my friendships.
So, in spite of dismal grades (although as of yet have passed everything), what skills do I have, that even aren't valued as a vet student, will make me an excellent vet?
I can make people trust and like me in a very short period of time, whether you are a complete newbie to animals, or an experienced rancher that wants to know where the other non-female vet is.
I won't judge you for not having enough money to dialysis on your dog.
I like looking at the big picture and can integrate problems and findings
I can protect myself from burnout
I understand that animals don't mean the same thing to everyone
I understand the human animal bond
I will always tell you the truth and be straightforward
I am really really good at taking a dysfunctional system, program, department and turning it into something that is efficient and organized. I'm not so good at maintaining a well oiled department because I get bored....
I'm not afraid of risk and I will stick my neck out for you.
I like a challenge
I am an effective communicator
I will admit my mistakes even if my lawyer tells me not to
I like working hard to make a difference.
I love mentoring
*****i think that is a heck of a lot to contribute and following my heart and passion got me this far, and if I had to be a B/C student to learn this particular lesson of pride in myself in the absence of external recognition, so be it -- it is my belief I will be a better vet for it.
Me thinketh that perhaps breaking an axle, missing school, and finally having time to blog again was a divine plan!
Two days of heavy rains, flash flood warnings
10 hours ago