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Monday, November 2, 2009

I think too much

Warning – non horsey post. The type of post that I could post if only my blog had an “Etc.” in the title…which is doesn’t which theoretically means I should be able to stay on topic. *sigh*. But sometimes the urge to write is so strong…

36966 feet above the earth, (and according to the flight computer, 15 minutes to destination – which is IMPOSSIBLE as I am, currently just north of Little Rock and my not-final destination is Atlanta. So I view the altitude reading with a healthy dose of skepticism. But I digress. ) I am inexplicitly overcome sadness and melancholy.

I miss my horse terribly already (it’s been a whole 18 hours since I’ve seen her).

I miss my boyfriend and best friend. Also terribly. But also know that he won’t colic and die while I’m away….although there’s lots of dangerous…STOP IT!!!!!!!!! At least I can talk to him on the phone….

The point is I miss what are probably the two most important living beings in my life.

I feel a little guilty. Why isn’t my family included in my thoughts? Why is it easier for me to spend time away from them, yet not love them any less than I love my horse and my boyfriend?

After Minx died I used to have Panic Attacks when I had to travel and leave Farley for a couple of days. I was out of town when Minx colicked, so it’s a trigger. Now, my tight throat at leaving her is less fear, and more based on the relationship we have built through dressage and our many many miles on the trail. She is such an integral part of my life I cannot fathom going days with seeing or riding her.

This should be my last extended travel for the company for some time. I am glad. The traveling has gotten easier but the leaving has gotten harder.

A part of me rationally looks at my homesickness (more like a people-sickness, since my feelings have nothing to do with home) and knows that much of it stems from my struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, further complicated by some manic-depressive tendencies. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been reading books like the “Time Traveler’s Wife” (sobbed for 2 days) and “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” (currently sobbing my way through). But is it the fault of the books, or are the books simply allowing me to express feelings that are already there, suppressed?

I embrace these times of sadness, because they are part of who I am.

I think too much,
I get too excited and happy about nothing. Disorder and chaos will bring me to my knees. I’m vain, arrogant, prideful, confident. I get sad for no reason and all, but later I’m so full of incredible joy - just because the sky is blue and I’m living under it. I cannot abide broken rules. I’m overly sensitive and keep secrets that weigh on me, when in reality they matter little. I’m selfish. I don’t relate easily to other people. I’m not shy – I care too much about what people think of me, and at the same time I don’t care at all. If I ever meet any of you in person, I’ll talk too much, too fast, and giggle nervously. It’s not you, it’s me.

But this is who I am.

So, I sit in this plane (still 15 minutes to arrival, in Mississippi now at 36953 feet), exploring my feelings of unhappiness. Because, if I had to express my life in one word, it would be JOY. The periods of unhappiness (for no reason at all – or rather, any reasons that do exist are present during the happy periods too so can’t be the root cause?) are an opportunity for reflection, resolutions, and a new start.

Thought of the day
Do you "think" too much? What do you do to turn your brain off? If you could use one word to describe your life, what would it be?

I no longer drink caffeine because my brain is too busy. Endurance is wonderful - I'm able to live in the moment. Afterwards - like a marathon - I feel like I "deserve" time off and I'm finally able to relax. See, I knew I would be able to bring it back around to horses/endurance!

Evening update - I am now at the hotel - sans luggage. It is officially lost. Darn it. I'm going to have to go shopping tonight for at least contact solution...

UPDATE!!!!!! They have my luggage and it should be at the hotel in 2-3 hours!!! :) Color me happy!


  1. ha..well....I took Chief to the ride this last weekend knowing full well that I wanted to ride Bo both days because I couldn't stand to leave him home and not be able to keep an "eye" on his healing eyelid (he still has stitches in it).

    The nice thing about riding long distance is having the time to think, or to completely clear your mind and not think at all! :)

  2. Ha! I feel much better. I'll remember that and feel no guilt the next time I visit family and bring the horse along with no intention of riding. LOL. I just like having my horse with me, so I can make sure everything is OK etc.

    I agree - endurance is so cool in that respect. Most of the time - if the ride is going well - I zone out, hum to myself etc. If something is not going well I tend to go into overdrive trying to manage it as best I can thinking thinking thinking.

  3. You have to be able to not miss your original family when you peel off from them. That's the thing that makes people be able to make their own "family" in true independence.

  4. OMG Mel! You and I are so alike! I have a hard time putting into words the kind of person I am (although granted I have never tried doing so while on a plane with nothing else to do before!) but your explaining is so similar to me.
    I'm not sure that means we should get along great, or not get along at all! Haha!
    I have some comments to post on your dressage show (I have had my own fair share of good and bad dressage tests) once I figure out what I want to say!

  5. JB - I guess we get to find out in a couple of weeks! LOL. I think we are going to get along just fine.... :)

    Any update on your possible endurance prospect??????

  6. long time reader, first time commentor - I think you are great. You totally rock! You are one of the most interesting and genuine people I have ever met.
    Do not doubt yourself. You are one of those people that others remember, admire, consider, and envy. You are strong, honest, articulate, funny, beautiful and most of all you live out loud!

  7. DG - your comment made my day! Now that I know you are there, I can officially welcome you to my blog. Thanks so much for stopping by.

  8. Mel, you may actually be my twin, except I think you aren't quite old enough...but if/when we meet, I think we'll see a bunch of similarities (and will probably drive innocent bystanders insane with our giggling!)

  9. I wonder if most bloggers have these tendancies? Or do we tend to read the blogs of people that are the most like us? It's been interesting to see how many people have commented that they feel exactly the way I do.

    And afterall - what is the point of blogging except to discover that you have more in common with others than you think and to connect with people?


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