update

Excuse the short, probably riddled with errors post today. Add “one-handed typing” to the list of annoying thins to do one handed.

The fracture isn’t serious. Not displaced, on the radius near the elbow. My fingers, which looked like fat balloons yesterday are now only slightly sausage like. Thanks to copious amounts of ibuprofen. Hoping for a quick recovery. I should only be in a sling for a couple of days.

I waver between amusement about the predicament – one handed single living and a job that depends on me typing….- to complete despair on how I’m going to pay for this. And trying to weigh money/debt against my potential quality of life if I don’t do what I can to insure that this joint remains as functional as possible. This afternoon I made the decision to see my doc (will cost $$) as a follow up to evaluate it – mostly because I didn’t get any clear instructions from urgent care on what I should do for treatment beyond wearing the sling for a week “until it dosent hurt anymore”. Once there, I’ll probably have to make another decision about PT (based on $$).

Realistically I should cancel or greatly reduce plans for this summer and spend all of my saved $$ for med bills, but theres a lot of last chance opportunities this summer. I’m just frusterated because I pride myself on being financially responsible – however I also don’t want to be making choices now that will lessen quality of life later on and make it impossible to do the things I love later. So be responsible or do what I’ve planned out for the last 2 years? (as cheaply as possible of course). I haven’t had to deal with this type of stress before – choosing between my health and my bank account because I’ve always been employeed with good health insurance when I was injured.

And some of this is (of course) my frusteration in having to go at this alone and it SUCKS. I’ve made some friends in the area, but let’s face it – they aren’t going to help me pull on my pants in the morning (and did I mention that I work a management level job that even frowns on these spandex-containing jeans?), crack open my eggs in the morning, or wash my dishes for me (no dishwasher). Theres fixes for all of these…but they cost money. Paperplates that don’t have to be washed, new clothes that are pull on but still look ok for the office, and crushing the egg in the bowel and picking out the pieces. I get the attraction of spending your life with a partner now. Two really is better than one. Things that were entirely doable with Matt’s help over the weekend are a source of frusteration and tears now that I’m back at my apartment. Let’s face it, just having your significant other THERE makes a difference – and although friends are great (and would volunteer in a second if I had something I needed their help with), it’s different than having that SO around, or you mom, or a sister. If I ever thought that I could go through life totally on my own apart from friends and family that question has been answered. While I may be tough and independent when times are good – I still need to share the good times with SOMEONE. When times are bad, i need someone to get that glass of water for me. You know what I’m saying?

Honestly God, if your point in my last couple weeks of being truly single was to show that I can’t do it alone, I GET IT! So please, let this be a miraculous recovery and let me accidentally do all the right things in recovery and not need copious amounts of PT.

This post is much longer and selfserving than originally intended, however I think I am going to let it stand as is, because let’s face it – as endurance riders, there are ups and downs. Most of the time we are good at keeping stuff in prespective and facing it with humor. But sometimes it sucks, and that’s ok too. As long as self pity comes in short durations. Time to be productive. So what am I going to do?

1. Just reread my first post. Chipper and optimistic! More of this less of the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

2. I need a puppy. In the meantime, until I can snuggle with Tess and breathe in the scent of puppy breath, I will cuddle a teal and black lamb that matt won out of a vending machine for me.

3. If something brings me to tears, I’ll pay the extra $$ to make it doable.

4. I’ll pay for at least one doc visit and one PT session to give me the tools to hopefully heal myself.

5. I’ll do this summer as cheap as I possibly can, while still doing everything on the list that I want to.

6. I’ll dip into emergency funds. This counts as an emergency right?

7. I will pray a LOT.

8. I will accept assistance if offered and if I can possible think of a way to utilize it. I will ASK for assistance.

9. I will continue to do what I can – ie I still control what goes into my body (nutrition), while I can’t do standard pushups, I can do one arm wall or counter pushups and squats and long walks. If I cant run my half marathon this weekend, I’m pretty sure I can walk it.

10. I will find humor in the situation. Let’s start now. More things that are difficult…nay IMPOSSIBLE with one hand:

a. Washing dishes
b. Eating a roasted pheasant
c. Distracted driving (when you only have one hand, it has to stay on the steering wheel instead of texting, eating, drinking, turning the radio on, turning the A/C off, or answering phone calls. Bummer)
d. Popping popcorn the oldfashion way in a cast iron skillet (yes I’m primal/paleo and still eating popcorn. Probably will be the last thing to go)
e. Moving boxes. In any form at all.
f. Playing the fiddle
g. Typing anything with speed or accuracy!