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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Misdirected Anger

It is POURING right now. (at least on Monday, while I was writing this's actually kind of sunny right now....) The kind of rain that makes you open the blinds all the way so you can watch through the patio glass doors. The parking lot on one side of my apartment is covered by a metal roof and (unfortunately) drowns out any romantic sounds of rain drops, but does provide some indication of the sheer fury of this spring storm.

When I was a child, I LOVED rain – especially spring storms such as this one. There’s something exciting about this force of nature that makes my boyfriend, even into his late twenties, say with excitement, “There’s a storm!”, as he cracks open a beer, opens the curtains and sits on the arm of the couch peering out the window.

I can still appreciate that feeling but for the most part it’s drowned out by frustration and even anger. The arena that just became rideable, is now not. The spring ride season promises to be a rainy one with this early April storm. I don’t WANT to ride in the rain and mud. I am sick and TIRED of pushing off my dressage shows because I can’t school. My cats are driving me crazy (even now the “one who must be on my lap” is busy trying to sabatoge this post) and the thought of spending one more evening at home after spending an ENTIRE weekend at home just may cause the last vestiges of sanity right out the window.

I’m mature enough to realize that most of this anger towards Mother Nature is due to stress and fear in other parts of my life. Fear for Farley. Is Farley really sound right now? Fear about how I’m going to pay for vet school and sadness of giving up endurance for it. Uncertainty of perhaps giving up my independent life and having to commute. Worried about my knee – both worried that it won’t be healed by next week when I have an appointment and its something serious, AND worried it WILL be healed and I’ll look like an idiot. Frustration as I continue to gain weight. Frustration as I continue to be unmotivated and work and get nothing done. It’s a WONDERFUL job that I should love and be grateful for, but instead I sit at my desk and have an enormous about of inertia that prevents me from doing anything, except in short bursts of intense energy. And I’m starting to feel a wee bit guilty.

And so, as I drove down the highway today in my silly little rental, in the rain, trying to find the headlights and the windshield wipers, while navigating the bay area without a GPS (yet another thing left in the truck), Mother Nature was a likely target.

I know that I can’t control the weather
I know that inclement weather is good because it gives Farley time off
I know that “this too shall pass”
I know there are all sorts of admirable things I can get done during this time like housework, letter writing, and cat grooming.
I know I sounds like a whiney, complaining little kid who can’t imagine life in 2 weeks because they only live in the NOW.

But I want to play with my pony.

Now off to sulk.

And finish off my Pity Bread (otherwise known as “Molasses Beer Bread” – recipe given in an earlier post. I should mention it toasts quite nicely because all the sugar in it caramelizes into yummy goodness!).


  1. ok, here's my anger at the rain (if I really was angry at the rain. More like, disappointment. "How could you DO this to me!")
    Reenactment this weekend. In the past the days leading up to going were a stressful frenzy of loading at the last minute and getting things ready. This time, it would be luxurious because we have the unit trailer. I could spend all MONTH getting ready and loaded up. But, no, I have to spend the last few frenzied days in which I should only be having to think about the food, making sawhorses, marking poles, counting pots, organizing the trailer, etc. Aargh!

  2. I really dislike biking to work in the rain. If it's a friendly drizzle, that's fine. But not the windy, pouring down hard nonsense we had.

    Remember when the driveway would flood and become a pond? And how i would stick Pan on the DG hill and watch him swim out...only to put him back? Fun times :)

  3. And you guys used to surf the drive on a sheet of plywood?

  4. Hey, okay, I'll trade you: we've got blue skies and 60 degrees here, and I'm chained to my desk at work until 9pm.


  5. And then we would watch Pan (my cat for those of you wondering) swim across the pond? heehehehe. And yes, I remember surfing on the plywood. That was fun!

  6. Oh.....long distance ~Granny hug. I know that trapped, stuck feeling. Maybe the powers above are protecting you and Farley, giving needed rest so that you can do better things. ~E.G.

  7. I'm so with you on the rain. I'm sick of riding in a soggy arena at the park. The lower half of my saddle looks like it's covered in concrete from the spray off the sand footing. YUCK!

    I'm definitely pissed at Mothe Nature about it. Who else's job is it to control the weather. LOL


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